Updated: Jan 8, 2019
Everyone has a “why” in life.
Maybe you’re still searching for yours? Maybe you know yours? Maybe you have known yours for years? Regardless of your when, you have a why. If God blesses you like he did me…you find your why earlier than others. Yep, just described my situation as a blessing. Here is my why: This picture.
This picture is one of the worst pictures I have. Disclaimer: my friend looks great, she has nothing to do with the quality of the picture. She makes it better.
This picture symbolizes hell on earth for me. What I imagine hell to be like was the battle I mentally faced every single morning when I woke up until I finally allowed myself to fall asleep at night. I was very sick – mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Very sick.
Mentally: My mind fought me all day long about food, whether I would eat, how much, how little, when, what it would be, how I looked, what I would wear, when I would exercise, etc. etc. etc. I spent a lot of my free time and weekends drinking, hence the X’s on my hand, so I didn’t have to eat. My eating disorder controlled me.
Emotionally: I could fall apart at the drop of a hat. Several weekends I’d come home from college and would sit on the couch crying to my mom to not go back. I was a sophomore in college accomplishing some awesome things and I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I’m not sure if my face could even genuinely smile anymore. I’d wake up angry and go to bed angry. I was irritable 24/7 and no fun to be around. My eating disorder isolated me.
Physically: I don’t believe numbers are important, but I will tell you that my BMI categorized me as “underweight”. I lost my menstrual cycles. I was (like 3 weeks worth) of constipated. I began losing my hair (i’m still on prescription shampoo for this). There was no color in my skin. I was dressed in a sweatshirt, pants, and furry boots all the time because I was so cold. I would get dizzy walking to and from classes. My eating disorder changed me.
Spiritually: There was no spirit living inside this body. There was no life in me. I was just human flesh walking around trying to make it through the day. That’s an incredibly tiring and long day. I would be lying if I said I didn’t begin to ask the questions: who is God? What does prayer even do? What will the Bible tell me that could “fix” me? My eating disorder overwhelmed me.
And if i’m being honest, i’ve looked at this picture several times since this date and wanted to go back to this girl. But I realized this girl was just my hiding place. I could hide behind my physical appearance to escape the root of everything else…i’m here 3 years later to tell you IT’S STILL NOT WORKING. Yes – that’s right – I’ve still been trying, I’ve still been struggling, and I’ve still been failing. Do you know how in movies a picture all of a sudden comes to life and you’re back there? I can do that with this picture. I remember it all.
I didn’t understand it until recently. I understand that this situation opened my eyes to my God-given purpose. My family still struggles to understand this situation, my friends don’t get it, heck sometimes I am still confused by it at times. But nonetheless, I work hard at it every week. Because I WILL do this. Because it became my why.
To give others hope. To help others understand. To support others. To coach, motivate, and mentor MEN AND WOMEN in their health. My why is #4you. If I hadn’t been in my last semester of college I probably would have changed my major to a counseling degree. So I found the next best thing…I decided to use my business degree, my passion for health and wellness, and my desire to help everyone to become a certified health coach and start my own business. Now I can live out my why.
I’m challenging you to quit hiding, quit waiting, quit making excuses, and find your why!!!